College Teas and Crumpets
by Cpl. Bull S. Kwikki
Summary: Rory and Lorelei avert a potential/hypothetical/imaginary crime at Luke's Diner and later attend a College Teas event, the special guest being the most well known and famous Yalie of all time. Now who could that be?...
1. Chapter 1

Rory and Lorelei Gilmore sit across from each other at their usual spot in their favorite restaurant in the whole wide world, Luke's Diner. Doe-eyed eighteen-year-old Rory quietly reads _Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women_ as being a genius she is naturally a bookworm as well. Rory looks every bit the plain Jane Connecticut college student and is a "good girl" with a calm, responsible, mature disposition. She reads for intellectual stimulation as much as for any of her classes at Yale.

Lorelei, Rory's doting thirty-something mother, meanwhile stares off into the distance, coffee mug in hand, lost in thought. In contrast to homey Rory, Lorelei is a certified MILF who would normally only pass for a "mother" on TV or in an adult film. Despite being tighter than a pair of medieval thumbscrews and sharing a last name, the mother-daughter duo could not be more different. Lorelei is brash, perpetually sarcastic, and relentlessly making a joke of everyone and everything, causing her to seem much younger than her three-and-a-half decades. A TV and movie buff where Rory is a bibliophile, a street-smart business owner where Rory is an Ivy League intellectual, and a woman who likes to "date around" where Rory is uncharacteristically chaste for a girl of her age, the twosome appear to be a classic case of role reversal.

"Do you think Che Guevara would think I'm hot?" Lorelei asks Rory as she is lost in her mental fog, breaking the unusually lengthy silence between them.

Rory puts down her book, pausing to consider it for a moment.

"Nah, he'd think you're a capitalist pig, yanno, you being a business owner and all," Rory answers, shaking her head.

Lorelei sags a little, frowning.

"Even if I was wearing his t-shirt?" Lorelei protests, a slight whine to her voice.

Rory ponders this new factor for a second before remembering that all those Che t-shirts are manufactured with slave labor.

"Yes," Rory affirms with a deliberate nod.

Silence reclaims the Gilmore table, Rory continues to read _Bitch_ , Lorelei is again swallowed by her thoughts.

"Do you think Andreas Baader would think I'm hot?" Lorelei questions Rory, grinning and again breaking the silence that has fallen over them.

Rory, ever respectful of mom/best friend, thinks the matter over again and gives her honest assessment.

"Maybe, he had a thing for women your age and his mom was a single mom too," Rory shrugs hopefully.

Lorelei merely smiles in reply and goes back to her pre-workday wistful dreams.

However, she is soon distracted, catching a flicker of movement at her periphery. She glances over out of curiosity just in time to see a man at a neighboring table slip a powdery substance into a drink and replace it back across the table from himself. Lorelei scans the restaurant and spies a young, vulnerable girl (who is otherwise "strong" and "can take care of herself") heading for the restrooms. Alarmed, Lorelei alerts an adult.

"Psst, Rory! Don't look now, but I just saw a guy at the table next to ours put something in his date's drink," Lorelei whispers to her harshly.

"Was it a cherry?" Rory inquires, not looking up from her book, thinking her mom is playing yet another joke, whilst also not believing anything _bad_ could e-v-e-r _ever_ happen in Stars Hollow.

"No, I'm serious, it was something _bad_!" Lorelei seethes, trying to control herself.

Contrary to the advice of don't look now, Rory immediately puts her book down and "looks now." As if on cue, the man in question grins evilly as he reaches across the table again and shakes the spiked drink vigorously for a few seconds.

"Oh my Gawd, mom! We should do something!" Rory yelps, a decibel or two too loudly.

"We should, that guy might do _something_ to her!" Lorelei replies, cringing. Since this is a "family show," the r-word cannot be said aloud, but both Lorelei and Rory understand the implication.

They both sit perfectly still for several seconds, making eye contact with each other, but not moving a hair's breadth, both expecting the other to do something or the situation to simply resolve itself.

The girl from the next table over returns from the bathroom, sits back down across from the man, and takes a sip of her drink.

"Mom, _do something_!" Rory scolds her, breaking their stare-down.

"Oh…I don't know! Hey Luke! Lukeeee!" Lorelei stammers before she calls over Luke, the diner's owner, Rory's surrogate father, Lorelei's stand-in husband, and all-around-good-dude-who-always-does-the-right-thing.

Luke, a man of Lorelei's age group with a perpetual case of five o'clock shadow, adjusts his signature non-descript blue baseball cap and struts over.

"What's wrong? Is the coffee cold?" Luke inquires, thinking it can only be that one of their delicate sensibilities has been upset.

"No, no, the coffee is great. Now…don't look now, but the guy at the table next to ours just put something in that girl's drink. We think he may be trying to do _something_ ," Lorelei explains in a hushed tone.

Ignoring Lorelei's advice as Rory did, Luke "looks now" and sees nothing amiss, just two average Stars Hollow residents enjoying a morning Joe.

"What? Did he put extra sugar in it or something?" Luke asks innocently.

"No!" Lorelei and Rory rebuke him in unison.

"He's gonna do _something_ Luke!" Lorelei asserts.

"Something _bad_ ," Rory adds.

Fortunately, one can still think the r-word in the Stars Hollow universe and now the gravity of the situation has dawned on good, old Luke.

"Why that little….!" Luke rages through gritted teeth.

"Just do something, Luke, you're the business owner," Lorelei, a business owner herself, reminds him. Rory merely offers a pleading look with her baby blue eyes.

Containing himself for the moment, Luke about-faces and goes behind the front counter, using the sole phone on the premises to call….who? Stars Hollow has no police force as there is no crime (or poverty) here. Calling the National Guard seems a bit excessive and they're all currently stationed in Iraq anyway. Luke thinks it over for just a moment longer before he starts dialing. After a subsequent brief conversation, he hangs the phone up, smirking. Confident he's handled the situation he goes back over to Lorelei and Rory's table.

"Alright, no need to worry, I've done _something_ ," Luke assures them.

A minute later, the door to Luke's Diner swings open, revealing none other than the white-bearded town selectman, candy store owner, and resident busybody Taylor Doose (pronounced dough-see) with the ever ubiquitous, multi-talented mama's boy, Kirk, in tow.

"You called Taylor and Kirk?" Rory questions Luke in utter disbelief.

"Our town has no police force! What was I supposed to do?" Luke replies, throwing his hands up in a surrender gesture.

Taylor and Kirk march right over to the potential suspect and confront him posthaste.

"Young man, did you put something in this young lady's drink?" Taylor demands, sounding like a father scolding a child.

"Yes, yes I did," the man answers calmly.

"Aha! A confession!" Taylor cries, turning to Kirk.

Kirk pulls a pair of plastic toy-store handcuffs out of his shirt pocket, waiting on Taylor's inevitable command.

"Cuff 'em, Kirk!" Taylor orders, relishing the moment.

"It's not a confession you dolts!" the girl/potential victim at the table screeches.

"Young lady, this man what about to do _something_ to you! You should be grateful we showed up in time." Taylor chides her.

"Well, some girls have those types of fantasies you know…the majority, in fact. And you just ruined mine!" the girl enlightens them, wagging an accusatory finger.

"What?" Taylor gasps in disbelief.

"It's true…mother has them," Kirk confesses, his head hung in shame.

"Luke, why did you call this in?" Taylor asks, trying to deflect the embarrassment.

"Well, uh, Lorelei turned me onto it and…" Luke begins, trailing off.

Lorelei, Taylor, and Luke all start talking at once, rambling over one another other, each of them trying to punt the metaphorical ball of embarrassment away from themselves. Kirk watches the fray impassively as the couple at the table goes back to their breakfast. Rory's cell phone vibrates in her pocket, providing her with an escape from the madness as per Luke's Diner's policy of no cell phone usage.

Moving quickly, Rory steps outside to another idyllic morning in the picturesque town of Stars Hollow, CT. On the way to the town commons, she passes the town troubadour, a bespectacled young man in a weathered brown corduroy suit. Today he sings a rather appropriate tune for the occasion while strumming out a melody on his beat-up, sticker cover acoustic guitar.

"Then I took the chance to walk you home/oh my mind was blown/that's when I dragged you down, onto the cold, cold ground," the troubadour croons enthusiastically.

Rory reaches the green plain that serves as the town commons and finally answers her phone.

"Rory, its Paris," Paris, Rory's extremely studious and career oriented Alpha Bitch roommate, greets her, sounding urgent as usual.

"Hey, Paris, what's up?" Rory replies in her customarily sweet manner of speaking.

"Have you heard about the College Teas our dorm is holding? Apparently, it's gonna be somebody big, _huge_ , in fact. Someone who could definitely have an effect on whatever future career, I, I mean _we_ have. Are you going? It's a pretty big deal, I'd hate to miss this one, or worse make a bad impression on whoever it is, you know?" Paris hurriedly explains in her typical hyperfast fashion.

Thankfully, Rory can speak Paris-ese due to her dealing with Lorelei's manic pop culture rants for eighteen years.

"Yeah, sure, I think I'll show up," Rory casually responds, knowing it will drive Paris crazy.

"Good, I look forward to it. Remember, big, _huge_. Later, Gilmore," Paris concludes smugly before hanging up.

Rory hangs up, shakes her head at Paris's antics and returns the phone to her pocket.

"Hey Rory!" a male voice calls to her from off in the distance.

Rory turns to see her former flame Dean strutting up to her. Dean has a chic Dylan Klebold haircut, stands over six feet tall, and is a good guy-nice guy. Overbearingly good/nice actually, too much so for Rory's tastes.

As he gets closer, Rory notices his normally brown hair is dyed a rust colored orange.

"Hey Dean!" Rory chirps gleefully, always happy to see him.

Dean smiles a big goofy grin.

"You're wondering about the hair, right?" Dean asks, pointing to an orange lock.

Rory nods, studying its rusty color.

"Well, thanks to my haircut, I got cast as Leon Kennedy for the _Resident Evil 2_ TV mini-series they're making. The director is a really cool guy; he's giving me some creative control, letting me adlib some lines, though he didn't approve of my idea for a Leon-Claire relationship," Dean elaborates excitedly.

"Wow, that's great Dean, everybody loves a good zombie thriller, I'm sure it will be a big hit," Rory encourages him.

"Thanks Rory, if lightning strikes, you can tell everybody, you knew me way back when I first played Dylan Klebold on _Zero Hour_ ," Dean jokes; chuckling heartily.

From just behind Dean, Rory spies Lorelei exiting Luke's Diner, bound in plastic toy handcuffs with Taylor and Kirk on either side of her, escorting her away.

"Oh, looks like I've gotta go, see ya around Dean," Rory quickly bids him farewell before running off after her apparently arrested mother.


	2. Chapter 2

It is a typical Friday night dinner at Lorelei's parent's mansion. Rory and Lorelei, all dressed up, sit across from each other, eating silently, enduring yet another painfully awkward evening with Lorelei's well-meaning, but ultimately uncool parents.

Emily, Lorelei's mother, is a lifelong professional dandy who could out-bitch and out-classist Hilary Clinton and consults the same fashion designer as the former First Lady.

Richard, Lorelei's much more jovial father, is a career insurance salesman who is always working even when he apparently "retires." He is business-like in all of his personal mannerisms, save for always being sorely disappointed in Lorelei and always being positively delighted by Rory.

As usual, an uncomfortable silence reigns at the gaudy dining room table fit for royalty. Save for the chewing of food and the shuffle of the various servants coming and going, nary a sound can be heard.

Remembering the College Teas Paris hyped up and that one can bring a guest, Rory decides to break the silence.

"Say mom, if you're not doing anything this coming Tuesday, my dorm is hosting a College Teas and rumor is the guest is gonna be somebody big, huge even," Rory explains, looking up from her meal.

"College Teas? I hope they serve crumpets," Lorelei jokes, ever the foodie.

"Not literal _tea_ , Lorelei. The College Teas are a very special event at Yale. Every residential college holds a few each semester. Basically, a distinguished visitor from the world of politics, the arts, academia, business, or the media meets with the students of a particular residential college in an informal setting. The students can ask him or her whatever questions they want and overall, it is more like a conversation between old friends than a lecture or a press conference," Richard, ever the cheerleader for Yale, elucidates for Lorelei's benefit.

"Yeah, mom, you'd like it. In the past, they've had people such as Mia Farrow, Brian Williams, and Art Garfunkel at College Teas," Rory adds, selling the idea hard.

"Wow, and this next guest is supposed to be big, _huge_ even?" Lorelei wonders aloud.

"I don't doubt it for a second, Yale gets all the best people," Richard posits, and being the only multi-millionaire insurance salesman in the history of the human race, he would know.

"It truly is a wonderful opportunity. And remember its possible Rory will meet her future _husband_ at college," Emily tosses in, picturing for Rory a life like her own.

"Well, kiddo, I'm sold, where do I sign up?" Lorelei addresses Rory, beaming and crossing her arms over her chest.


	3. Chapter 3

The day of the highly anticipated College Teas has arrived and the tiny parlor at Rory's residential college is packed with her fellow students and their guests, everyone looking spic and span. A palpable tension fills the air as excited whispers punctuate the silence.

"All rise, for our distinguished guest!" a College Teas aide stationed by the doorway announces, immediately quieting the whispers and amplifying the tension to a fever pitch.

All eyes are on the doorway as the distinguished guest, big, _huge_ , steps through, his bearing simply presidential.

A stunned silence falls over the crowd as the honored guest walks to the center of the parlor and takes a seat in a plush Ottoman, revealing himself to be, without a doubt, President George W. Bush, former Yale BMOC (big man on campus).

"Hi, I'm George W. Bush…how are you?" the president greets the flabbergasted crowd, sounding exactly like the George W. Bush internet soundboard.

His greeting elicits nothing but series of gasps from the shell-shocked audience.

"Eeehhhhhh, what happened?" Lorelei manages to spit out before being sssshhed by an embarrassed Rory.

For a few long seconds, seconds that feel like hours, all is quiet, the sheer gravity of the honorable Yale alumnus taking the wind out of everyone's sails.

"Why don't you abolish the Federal Reserve?" Marty, Rory's friend-zoned friend, shouts as the first question, his outrage finally overpowering his politeness.

"Well, because I'm a member and I don't have a majority for the vote, reminds me of Congress he he he," George Bush answers in turn, giggling at the end.

"S-STOP THE WAR NOW!" Rory yells next, stuttering, more a statement than a question. This is the man she and her schoolmates have spent many a class period bashing and now he's _here_! And he's a _Yale man_!

"Uhhh, okay, I'll get right on that!" President Bush replies, nodding at her.

"Where were you on 9/11?" Tana, Rory's former 16-year-old socially awkward supergenius roommate, demands next, her face molded into an expression of outrage.

"Well, I was with some kids, just like _you_ ," Bush responds, gesturing at her.

Tana's face contorts to a look of hurt, then her expression hardens, her mouth compressing into a thin line. With that simple sentence, Tana has just reached a turning point in her life. Like a blazing phoenix, something inside her has just burst forth from the ashes of her utter embarrassment, rising to meet a new and glorious future. For the first time in her young life, she feels mad enough to _kill_. What was significant _this_ time was not that the words ran through her mind, but how she felt about them. Internally, she savored the entirely new sensation of feeling like she really _could_ kill someone. If only she knew another 16-year-old Ivy League freshman once felt the same way.

"What were you THINKING?" another outraged student fires off at the President.

"Hmm, I was thinking _rat_ , _bat_ , _cat_ , _sat_ , this lesson is pretty tough!" George Bush truthfully replies, rubbing his chin at the memory.

"Why are you such a _fascist_? We don't live in a fascist nation, you know!" Paris, being a fascist in her own personal life, demands of the President, totally without sarcasm or irony.

"I'm not a fascist, I was elected, you see? You'll miss me someday," President Bush points out to her, not all together incorrectly.

The President looks down at his shirt sleeve, pretending to glance at a watch.

"Welp, I gotta go, par-tee time!" President Bush bids the Yalies farewell, muttering par-tee time like Sarge in the game _Sarge's Heroes 2_ , before taking his leave.

Slowly, the still wholly bewildered audience of students and their guests begins to file out of the parlor, making their way outside as quietly as a funeral procession.

"I guess the lesson I'm supposed to learn here is that nowhere is perfect, not even _Yale_. Even a properly functioning clock can be wrong twice a day," Rory breaks the quiet yet again, speaking to Lorelei while still hanging her head in shame and incredulity.

"Well, not everyone is gonna be like you, kiddo. You're special. But perfect doesn't exist in our world, not anywhere, not at Yale, not even at Luke's….." Lorelei coos, attempting to console her and communicate the deeper meaning behind what just happened.

"Yeah….I guess," Rory concedes, saying it but not believing it.


	4. Chapter 4

On the set of _Resident Evil 2_ , the TV mini-series, Dean, all dressed up as rookie police officer Leon Kennedy stands back-to-back with the most hardcore second year lit major in the history of mankind, Claire Redfield. Claire dons a pair of Daisy Dukes, a sleeveless pink vest, and tan cowboy boots. On the back of her pink vest is a row of little golden bombs below the title, "Twisted Sister."

The two of them stand amidst a darkened city street littered with debris and surrounded by fire. Neither of them have weapons of any kind despite being smack dab in the middle of a bona fide zombie apocalypse.

In the background, "True" by Spandau Ballet plays from a tiny off-screen speaker.

"Doing anything after this?" Dean as Leon asks Claire over his shoulder, optimistically.

"None of your business," the actress playing Claire answers as Claire curtly, but not impolitely.

Trivia: References include _Gilmore Girls_ , _Resident Evil 2_ , _What's the story, morning Rory?_ , _Zero Hour: Massacre at Columbine High,_ the Unabomber, the Iraq War and its many protests, George W. Bush's presidency, the Miss Me Yet billboard, _Army Men: Sarge's Heroes 2_ , "True" by Spandau Ballet, various internet comments, the video of Alex Jones questioning George Bush, World War II nose art, _Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women_ , Che Guevara, Andres Baader, the new Gilmore Girls revival trailer, various conspiracy theories, internet prank phone call soundboards, _Living with Michael Jackson_ , "I'm gonna rape you" by GG Allin, "B.Y.O.B." by System of a Down, _The Simpsons_ , _Geek Charming_ , and the 9/11 attacks.

-Mia Farrow, Brian Williams, and Art Garfunkel really have been guests at Yale College Teas.

- _Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women_ is an actual book Rory is seen reading on the show.

-Andreas Baader was raised by his mother after his father died in WWII and his closest partner in the Red Army Faction was a thirty-something year old woman.

-The opening scene was inspired by someone commenting under a story about a similar situation that the girl/potential victim was just trying to live out her fantasy and the women who alerted the restaurant who then called the police were just busybodies who ruined it for her.

-According to multiple surveys a majority of women do have r-word fantasies.

-Tana's reaction to George Bush's response mirrors the Unabomber's reaction to his psychiatrist when he was a 16-year-old Harvard freshman.

-"Twisted Sister" being stenciled on Claire's vest is a reference to her pseudo-incestuous relationship with her brother


End file.
